Loss of sleep and possibly my mind.

I haven't spoken to young buck in so long I am beginning to think it's for the best for real this time.

Don't get me wrong, my entire body craves for everything about him and I know it's not a good idea to go down that road ever again.

There have been a few times where I thought I was going to get weak and just go over there.

There has to be a way to really get this out of my system. I'm on the right road. NO conversation or exchange of messages in so long.

Tomorrow is a new day. Crossing my fingers that I'll be able to stay strong.

The secrets of it all

There's so many secrets shared and discovered in this world. I have to admit once my secrets are exposed, it will change my life drastically. I find myself living on the edge and just crossing my fingers that I can buy some time. Like 2000 years worth.

Old friends are here to stay

I have an old old friend that I have to admit will lie down his life for me. I can honestly say he is the only person in this world that will truly do anything for me. I know this and wonder why I never made the choice to spend my life with him.

I wish it were all different.

I wonder if it was a boy, girl, twins.....I'll never know.

Life's decisions are lasting ones

I look back on the decisions I made in my life and I wish I could go back and make some major changes. I know this isn't possible but, if it were I would go back to the day I lost my virginity. I would have spoken up and I would have reported him.

When will the end come?

Sometimes I just wish the end would come so I can just deal with it.

It's been a long time.

I don't even know where to begin as an explanation to where I've been.

Instead of boring you with the boring details, I'll just pick up right where we left off.

I haven't seen or heard from Young Buck since November. That might not seem like a long time to you. For me, it feels like an eternity. I am very proud of myself for not calling him. We actually have an agreement.

I will be the one to initiate the phone calls and visits. Of course he knows how to play his part and I don't ever have to worry about him 'blowing up my spot'--The downside to this...I miss talking to him. I know that it's best that we cease all communication with each other. At least I don't have dreams about him the way I did early on in the fucklationship of ours.

I could be driving in the car and have a flash back to the fuckapades we've had and almost crashed my fucking car. Yes, it was that deep with Young Buck. He's poison though. I mean bad news to the 1000th power. I had to actually talk myself out of calling or going to visit him just to break the cycle of obsession I had for him.

There are many times I felt myself getting weak and would remind myself that it's bad news to keep having contact with him. I would look myself in the mirror and ask myself, other than the fucktacular episodes, what is so special about Young Buck.

I said some shit like, he's a really nice person. LIE! He's a rude ass mother fucker and a liar.

Then I would say but, I've known him for over 10 years. He's a good friend. LIE! I've known him for over 10 years and I know he is NO GOOD FOR ME!

See.........that is why I needed to rid myself of all things Young Buck. Two months and counting. Ya'll pray that I keep it up.

I have been needing some good as fucking lately and the rabbit ain't hitting the right spots.