Loss of sleep and possibly my mind.

I haven't spoken to young buck in so long I am beginning to think it's for the best for real this time.

Don't get me wrong, my entire body craves for everything about him and I know it's not a good idea to go down that road ever again.

There have been a few times where I thought I was going to get weak and just go over there.

There has to be a way to really get this out of my system. I'm on the right road. NO conversation or exchange of messages in so long.

Tomorrow is a new day. Crossing my fingers that I'll be able to stay strong.

The secrets of it all

There's so many secrets shared and discovered in this world. I have to admit once my secrets are exposed, it will change my life drastically. I find myself living on the edge and just crossing my fingers that I can buy some time. Like 2000 years worth.

Old friends are here to stay

I have an old old friend that I have to admit will lie down his life for me. I can honestly say he is the only person in this world that will truly do anything for me. I know this and wonder why I never made the choice to spend my life with him.

I wish it were all different.

I wonder if it was a boy, girl, twins.....I'll never know.

Life's decisions are lasting ones

I look back on the decisions I made in my life and I wish I could go back and make some major changes. I know this isn't possible but, if it were I would go back to the day I lost my virginity. I would have spoken up and I would have reported him.

When will the end come?

Sometimes I just wish the end would come so I can just deal with it.

It's been a long time.

I don't even know where to begin as an explanation to where I've been.

Instead of boring you with the boring details, I'll just pick up right where we left off.

I haven't seen or heard from Young Buck since November. That might not seem like a long time to you. For me, it feels like an eternity. I am very proud of myself for not calling him. We actually have an agreement.

I will be the one to initiate the phone calls and visits. Of course he knows how to play his part and I don't ever have to worry about him 'blowing up my spot'--The downside to this...I miss talking to him. I know that it's best that we cease all communication with each other. At least I don't have dreams about him the way I did early on in the fucklationship of ours.

I could be driving in the car and have a flash back to the fuckapades we've had and almost crashed my fucking car. Yes, it was that deep with Young Buck. He's poison though. I mean bad news to the 1000th power. I had to actually talk myself out of calling or going to visit him just to break the cycle of obsession I had for him.

There are many times I felt myself getting weak and would remind myself that it's bad news to keep having contact with him. I would look myself in the mirror and ask myself, other than the fucktacular episodes, what is so special about Young Buck.

I said some shit like, he's a really nice person. LIE! He's a rude ass mother fucker and a liar.

Then I would say but, I've known him for over 10 years. He's a good friend. LIE! I've known him for over 10 years and I know he is NO GOOD FOR ME!

See.........that is why I needed to rid myself of all things Young Buck. Two months and counting. Ya'll pray that I keep it up.

I have been needing some good as fucking lately and the rabbit ain't hitting the right spots.

Sing it Toni. Sing it!

Here we go:

you got it bad

He ain't neva lied!

Lyrics

It's just a fuck thing.

As soon as you decide to get over and move on, your phone will begin to ring off the hook and messages will start flowing. It's up to you on how you will decide to handle it. So far so good, I'm keeping my cool and sitting back to see how all of this plays out.

I swear, this is the hardest situation I've been in, in a LONG time. At least now I feel more in charge of how things are going to go down.

Funny how I keep chanting, it's just a fuck thing, it's just a fuck thing, stay focused. It's just a fuck thing. At least for him it is. Now if only I can keep this in the forefront of my thinking and keep my feelings in check. Making sure to focus on this then things will be ok.

When I feel myself slipping back into the foolishness, I just keep chanting, it's just a fuck thing! Geez, I'm tired.

mr. telephone man

whenever my phone rings and it's young buck on the other line, i drop whatever i'm doing to answer it. the conversations are always about when can he see me or if i can help him with something.

one day i said the day that you call me to just say hello and that you miss me, will be the day that i pass out from shock. needless to say he has never said those words to me. he says the mere fact that he's calling means that he's missing and or thinking of me. really? i find that hard to believe.

someone please slap me. please.

i am being played like a fiddle and young buck is the musician.

Better

Things are getting much better. I have to say today was a good day!

Can you experience a TRUE

orgasm from anal sex? i just watched that fat man scoop website and the wife was talking about getting one of those dildos that you back up on! huh? what? i'm lost. nevermind.

This explains it all. I think.

LUST is the root of it all. OR is it?

why?

Why are the best fucks in the world ASSHOLES? Can someone answer this question for me?

Burnt out.

Well, it finally happened. I have hit a wall. I am burnt out. I find myself going in circles trying to do way too much.

I have some true blogging friends and I haven't been able to view and post like I have wanted to. For that, I'm sorry.

I promise to do better. I'm not lurking. I promise.

I need to get myself together. I do not want to feel burnt out anylonger. I guess I need a break.

True Friends

True Friends

Are the ones who will tell you what you NEED to hear. Not what you WANT to hear. Even if it brings you to tears for 15 straight minutes. It's for your own damn good.

Trust me.

Sex is an activity!

I view sex as an activity something
that should never be linked to love. Dammit, I confused that shit up
so many times it ain't funny. I pretty much chalked it up that men
with dicks are the most disgusting human beings on the planet. I
guess much of that just suppressed in my inner most being. I
contiuned to fuck boys, men, whatever you want to call them. I can
count on my ONE hand the real men who know the power of their dicks.
After watching Ms. Tylor, I am convinced on this shit.
Hell, anyone can fuck, you know the saying two pumps and a cum and
you're done! Don't get me wrong, dont' think i'm here bashing men or
dicks or pussies, or anything like that. Because I am not!

I am coming to terms that I have never discovered the responsible way
on dealing with sexuality. I am here to say, I have never experienced
a MIND blowing ORGASM! I've had some good ones, but, I've never had
one that was on the brain that I could NOT function. I never realized
that it was NOT the person's job I was fucking to give me that mind
blowing orgasm. it was my responsibility. it is YOUR responsibility
to get that MIND blowing orgasm. DAMMIT it took me almost 2 decades
to finally realize this?


I have the ability to entice, lie, seduce, reject, hate, deceive,
listen, love, cherish, nurture, and...........there's more but, I have
a headache so, I'll move on the next thought.


TRUE Love and Hate are one in the same. I believe a person who truly
loves has the same ability to use the same energy for hate. People
are able to deceive others because they have learned from the best.
The best are those who once deceived the deceiver. It's a never
ending cycle. A gift that keeps on giving and giving. One day
someone in this world will take a stand and say no more. Until then,
we will all continue to lead this path of self-destruction.

Before you can seek love and approval from others you have to first be
sure to love and approve yourself. Making the decision to go outside
of your present relationship is a very life changing experience. If
you think you'll never be forever changed because of it, then you are
wrong.

The reason why people choose to have self-destructing lives are
because of low self-esteem and childhood experiences that have never
been addressed. Most often, childhood scars are so deep, they are
covered for so many years and come out in the form of other
self-destructive signs and situations. I would never make excuses for
child abusers, molesters or any one who decides to take advantage of
the innocent. I am aware that the cycle began a long time ago.

I'm tired now, so I will end this now.

Treat everything you encounter as a teachable moment.

Treat everything you encounter as a teachable moment.

If you can't
kiss
fuck
swim
read
love
ride a bike
drive a car
hold a conversation of meaning
or anything......

ask someone you trust to show you how. if they laugh or shame you then be thankful you know they are not a true friend and cut them the fuck off.

We are not perfect. Everyone has to learn from someone or somewhere. Why not open your mind and be honest that everyone is teachable.

Labels

I had to be clear with females in my life. Just because I fuck women does NOT mean that I want to fuck you. If you want to label it, I'm bi-sexual. I hate labels. I love to fuck. I know how to fuck. I am good at what I do.

I prefer to fuck women because I have one regular dick in my life and the dick is clean, good reliable and on point.
I choose to fuck women because there's so much more to explore and the emotional part of it is undescribable. I do not want to fuck every woman I see.

This reminds of something that happened back in the day, I still laugh when I think about it...

The girl I was fucking (scorpio) was over one day and my other friend (aries) came by. She is the most straight laced of all my friends. Well, I never ever told her about me and scorp all she knew was scorp was my friend and we hung out.

Well, this one day, Scorp and I were about to do the dang thang and Aries stopped by without calling!

Now I'm not sure about you but, I hate when mother fuckers think it's ok to just come the fuck by without calling.

Needless to say, Scorp answered the door and said, you have to come back later, we're about to fuck! Aries, was like huh, what? Dumbfounded and left.

Well, after that day, Aries and I weren't the same. She said, that was a rude way of telling her that I was a LESBO. Yes, the bitch called me a LESBO. She went on to say how did she know that I wasn't looking at her like that. She even went on to let me know that she was not that type of girl! HaHa...

I had to sit her down and explain to her that while I greatly enjoy fucking women and I've fucked quite a few women in my time, she is ONE person that I would NEVER EVER EVER dream of fucking. I value our friendship, I care deeply for you but, it has never even crossed my mind to fuck you. We don't even hug, think about it. If I ever fucked you, things would never ever be the same. You would be hooked. I would never want that. I know the type of person she is. She is a needy person. One lick and she would be stuck on me like bandaid brand and I was not having it.

Well, after a few months the bitch had the nerve to say she was CURIOUS. I stopped speaking to her gradually and to this day we speak maybe once or twice a year. Why the fuck you think it's ok to decide to 'come out the closet' to me now? What kind of shit is that. Are you fucked up in your mind or what?

Dating or Fucking--There is a difference

Dating or Fucking
There is a difference

Dating or Just Fucking. There is a difference.

When will we stop with the bullshit and get real with ourselves? What
is the purpose of having so many sexual partners or mind fucking so
many people? It's because it's an enjoyable experience. We LOVE to do it and have NO desire to stop.

I had a female to tell me one time that she did not want me to think she was a freak. I asked why not? she said
no one wants to be labeled as a freak. Well, after a few minutes of chatting with her and explaining to her that a freak is not a bad thing, she clearly understands my point. So after I fucked the bitch, she is a true freak in every sense of the word.
Hah! To think she did not want to be thought of as a freak was mind boggling to me. I know that I am a freak, people who I have fucked, know that I am a freak and I require a level of freakness from them as well. I mean if they are not a freak, what is the purpose? Fuck and Enjoy it. Stop trying to justify it. Request only the good shit though. Weak ass fucks are a waste of my time and my time is precious.

I make that shit clear ahead of time. That's probably why I haven't had many fuck partners. First impressions are lasting impressions. I work off the referral system too. I prefer to fuck people that people have fucked and they know are good fucks. Call me crazy, I will say thank you but, I dont' waste my time with new peopel who claim they can fuck and come to find out they can't. I have been known to cuss amotherfucker over some weak fucking.

It's not your fault

If you were ever touched in an innapropriate manner in any point and time in your life, I'm here to tell you that it's not your fault.

Many of your life decisions are stemming from that molested behaviour though. You have to seek help to sort through the past.
Your insurance covers therapist visits, take advantage of it. If you don't like your therapist seek a new one. Ask for referrals, ask a trusted friend who they see. People are more willing to share their positive experiences. Everyone needs a good therapist in their lives.

It's better to tell a damn stranger your life story than a friend. That's just my opinion I could and am probably dead wrong for saying it but, one thing I know for sure, everything I tell my therapists is confidential except for that one time I told her I wanted to kill myself and I was in the padded rooom for 72 hours. FUCK!

Narcs Mind Part One

I need to get some shit off my chest.
Anything I write should be realized that it's my shit and my thoughts. If you're offended then X the browser now.

You should be cumming at least

I am only out for the orgasm. I can't understand why people don't choose to come on a regular. I swear
the world would be a better place if people had an orgasm at least ONCE a week. That's a minimum. I know there are people who come on a daily. I envy them! I have yet to experience one of those mind blowing orgasms but, that's because I haven't demanded them. Those types can only come from ME. It took me a long ass time to figure this shit out too.

I am still figuring out who I am in the mind blowing orgasm seeking department.
one thing I know for sure is

My dick sucking game is top notch. I am not asking for feedback or
approval. I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT! Supahead ain't got shit on me and
you bests believe that. I dream of having a dick sucking match with
her on video just to prove to people that Mr. Marcus will come faster
than he can blink his eye. Fuck it, I won't even entertain the
thought because he is a punk. You notice how he is always looking at
the camera man when he's fucking or getting his little ass dick
sucked. Tell me he ain't bi-sexual and I'll cut you off with the
quickness.

My pussy eating game is top notch as well. I know how to make sure you experience at least THREE in one session. THREE is the minimum and that's only if I like you. I make sure you get atleast ONE that's a given. If I have decided to eat your pussy then I will make sure to give you an orgasm. or better yet, you will experience one with me. I am not tooting my own horn, I know my skills, I've sold my skills, We're all prostitutes male or females. If you are receiving goods for your fuck services then you are prostituting your services and I ain't mad at you. Just call it what it is. You'll feel better about yourself.

Once we become real with the man in the mirror and stop trying to figure out what makes
other people tick, then we'll be on a better road to self-discovery.

Whatever you decide to do with your life is your choice.

To have a desire to go outside of your present relationship
is a self-esteem issue. There's NO excuse to seek outside relief when
you are in a present relationship. Before you try to justify to me why you have more than
one sexual partner, please save it because I do not want to debate. I am only speaking of what going on in my
inner thoughts and what my experiences are and I voice them. I am only judging myself.

I have never understood responses of I'm just dating. I
can respect someone more if they say, I enjoy fucking, I enjoy
having orgasms and I am a mutual giver and receiver of orgasms. I
want to enjoy them with you. I do not want to be your boy friend, girlfriend
wife or even your friend. I want to fuck, I want to fuck at least twice a week or on the regular
if possible let me know what you can handle. We can decide how to make it happen.
Your place, my place, a local hotel, the park, wherever!

Even if it's in their mind that it's more than a date. Most of the
times, men are more clear on what they want from relationships. I am not saying women are weak
I find that women get more wrapped up in the sex and link it with feelings and shit. The one thing
that makes men say what the fuck!

I've known quite a few men who are very content with just fucking. If
the fuck game is on point then everything else is too. Why mess up
the situation with the L word (LOVE) that shit is kryptonite to weak
ass people. Notice I say weak ass people. When they hear the word LOVE they either
flight or fight. I am not judging men or women. Trust me, everything of
what I think and speak is a direct reflection on my own inner issues.

I have come to realize that this is the most judgemental society out there.
We have to be judgemental to a length I'm sure. Like for instance, you would not just go and fuck some
homeless person you saw on the street would you? NO right? But, why not?
Because of your morals, it's nasty, they may have diseases?
Whatever you decide to do with your life is your choice.

I have fucked people who were single, married, lesbians,
bi-sexual, bi-curious whatever type of people you want to call them.
One thing I have come to realize, EVERYONE is bi-sexual. I am not
saying that a man wants to or will fuck a man but, the thought has
crossed their minds or has been brought up in a conversation at least
once in their lives. Even if it was a molestation type of situation.
If a man wants to see his woman with another woman or man then he is
bi-sexual. I am getting a headache because i'm not explaining this
right and i would hate for you to think i'm calling you gay or
whatever the stereotype is.

I have fucked people who SWORE up and down that they were STRAIGHT
they were not gay, they just loved me. they just like me. they just
liked being fucked by me. they just enjoy the way i fuck them or
whatever way they put it. I am mad at myself for not delving deeper with them the reasons
for justifying being fucked by someone who could care less of how they really felt deep down inside.

Like it's a bad thing

I've been learning so much from Miss Tylor. I cannot explain it. I would link her but, I am too lazy.

Google her ass: ALEXYSS K. TYLOR
Why isn't she on CABLE? Pay Per View or something?

http://www.alexyssktylorvaginapower.com/akt/index.php

You need to take an hour of your day and sit down and bring your glass of wine and sit back and listen.

She is the business for real. I cannot tell you enough.

I make sure to get a mirror and explore my vaginal on the regular. She has me tripped out on what power i never knew i had. and here i thought iwas a professional. nope. i'm a newbie. but, i'm a quick study! haha.

I had no fucking idea there were places in my vagina that I could trigger all the fuck by myself.

I am new to the masturbating department. not sure if i know what i'm doing half the time. haven't made myself cumm yet, but i am working on it. i am a determined bitch!!

I got caught fucking myself the other day by my guy. told him he needs to fucking knock the next time. and no you annot stand there and watch! get the fuck out. the nerve!

First Post! Welcome.

Welcome to the Narcisstic Mind!

Be respectful of my space or you will get banned. Thanks.

This is my space. The title says it all. I can say and do whatever the fuck I want. It's all about me and what I want to do! Leave the judgments at the door, I've already been preached to and listened to enough fake ass sermons to know that I'm going to hell. I'll have plenty of friends there! Thanks for your concern.